Men don't really want sex

What the on earth am I talking about?!?!? Everyone ‘knows’ that’s all men really want.

And I’m calling bullshit.

I work with men to help them have better relationships and sex, and when we dive right down into it we always seem to arrive at about the same place:

Most men yearn for deep connection - and usually only find it (often only occasionally) in sex.

It’s a powerful distinction.Men don't really want sex

It’s not about the sex. It’s about the connection.

It’s amazing the difference it’s made to men who’ve been able to shift their focus in their sex life from getting sex to getting connection.

It becomes no longer just about getting this connection from their partner. They open more fully to the range of yearnings and desires within themselves: including the self connection they yearn for.


And they open to being intimate with their partners in a completely different way. Sex loses some of it’s charge and angst and becomes, rather than the only dish in a meal, the highlight dish of a 5 course experience.

‘All men really want is sex’ is a red herring that can damage the true depth of connection between a man and a woman.

When they’re both able to open fully to their yearning for connection, and the special place sex plays in that connection, some real and powerful magic can happen.

Guys, l know you want sex.

But look into yourself, why? What does it give you? What do you yearn for? What’s missing when you get it but are still not satisfied?

Stop focussing on the sex, it’s most likely not what you really want. It’s a beautiful, fun and satisfying pathway to what you probably really want - deep connection.

How else can you satisfy and celebrate that yearning?

I’d love to know your thoughts.

  • I would not presume to know what anyone but myself "wants". To then psycho analyze a underlying issue that is causing all men to think they want sex but actually its a yearning for connection seems like a leap that surpasses the wisdom of natural impulse to to breed. I dont think so. Sex, in my opinion is a perfectly delicious and nurturing act which is certainly inhanced by the depth of connection with a partner but not nessicary. As guys we a bought up having a bunch of garbage and guilt atached to who we are sexually, instead of having the freedom to meet sex on its own terms. A teacher of mine once told me "If you want to start a cult, tell people what to do with their sexuality. They are so confused they will grasp at anything", since then when ever I hear a teacher telling people what sexuality "is", I wonder what is going on for them? What is there relationship history and their relationship to their own sexuality?

    • I agree with one point, that's why, if you actually read the article rather than just the heading (which I intentionally did that way to be a bit provocative), my point is totally qualified. At no point do I tell men what they really want, I say 'most likely' and 'probably' - as while it's been true in working with hundreds of men of course I can't say all men are like this.
      re the sex to breed, human physiology has so many things in it that show that this is not it's only evolutionary function, we are profoundly social beings and sexual bonding (connection) is a key component of what makes us such a powerful species.

  • >